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Funny Quotes

Funny quotes, humorous funny sayings, funny words that will inspire your day to be merry. Have a break, have some smiles :)

* By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns

* A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost

* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Erica Jong

* Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson

* A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt

* An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Gandhi

* Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want fifty-dollar haircuts on a fifty-cent head.
Garrison Keillor

* Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

* Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

* For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
Ashleigh Brilliant

* I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnett

* I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
Author Unknown

* I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Author Unknown

* Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

* When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.
Walter Lippmann

* Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr

* An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

* I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adam

* If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
Author Unknown

* Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
Adrienne Gusoff

* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns

* Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

More Funny Quotes

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